I just saw a hot homeless man
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
