i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
