you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
