I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
