Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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