with your own penis?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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