I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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