i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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