I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
