So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
