I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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