We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
