I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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