dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
