I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
