she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
