She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
