seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
