Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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