Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
