I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
be right there i have to get my cape
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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