Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize