My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
