why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Randomize
