In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
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