Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She's like a pop up book from hell.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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