I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
