I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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