Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
