Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
id be glad to
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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