Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
