just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
