Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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