I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
