the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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