Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
