it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
