Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
