Your face is a jimmy john
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
