it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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