are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
