two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
