why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
