i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
