I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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