Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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