it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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