It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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