just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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