I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
