In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dicks are not precious.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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