I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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