Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just tell him i said nine months
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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