I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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