I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
Randomize
