I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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