Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Plan B is the new Plan A
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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