mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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