if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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