Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
