i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
